October #ReaLife 2014: What does being in love really mean

Today is one of my many moments where I just want to write from the heart and not plan out everything I say.

So, here goes.

I recently began to give advice to a friend of mine who wanted advice on how to approach a boy without sounding desperate. I gave her the advice and she kept worrying.

It was at that moment that I knew she didn’t really understand love.

Love is not thinking about how you come across.
Love is not worrying about how he/she thinks of you.
Love is about both sides accepting each other, imperfections and all.
Love is about getting your heart broken into a million pieces.
Love is about growing together but also individually.

I’m going to go through each of those points.

Love is not thinking about how you come across. 

I used to really care about this. I used to really care about how I came across.

I remember in elementary school I really liked this guy (I used to say that I ‘loved’ him but I didn’t know what love was back then…) and I used to take careful precautions of not appearing too eager and not appearing too in “love”. But in the end he and his friends still laughed at me and still didn’t take me seriously. I was serious.

But then I graduated elementary school and realized that if I was to get taken seriously, I had to actively pursue it. Even if it meant breaking society’s image of men being the ones to pursue women. I knew that if I waited for that to happen, I would never get any where.

So I began to go for it.

I began to actively look for the guy I had a crush on, talking to him and getting to him. I wasn’t about to shy away from an opportunity.

Yes, I may have came across as desperate but I learnt something from those rejections.

I learnt that there is a fine line between wanting to get to know the person and being desperate. And you have to do A LOT to become and look desperate. Becoming desperate is when you constantly hound the person and not being able to take hints.

Love is not worrying about how he/she thinks of you. 

To this day, I still worry. But I have gotten a lot better.

In the past with my other boyfriends I always felt like I had to dress nice. I had to speak nice and I had to just be nice.

But I’m not nice. I’m never nice. Like every human being, I’m selfish and self obsessed but in the past I couldn’t let that part of me show. I had to be nice, even if it meant becoming someone I’m not.

However, in those relationships, I grew out of it and realized that even when I was being nice I was still getting my heart broken. And then in this relationship I decided to just stop being nice. Being nice became overrated and now I’m in the longest relationship and the best relationship of my life. I don’t care how I come across and I realize that that is what most guys are looking for. They are looking for a girl who is comfortable in being who they are and not trying to be someone they are not.

My boyfriend constantly describes me as “weird” but then usually right after he tells me he still loves me despite my “weirdness”. Whenever I hear that, I am the most happy. Because I am weird. I’m the weirdest person in the entire world. I have very little filter, and I’m extremely immature for me age (immature in a good way though!). But he still loves me and I love him more for that.

If he/she loves you, he/she will not care what kind of person you are. Of course, I am not saying be you 100% because everyone has secrets and a part of them they want to hide. But I’m saying be you up to 90% because usually that is enough. It should be enough.

However, sometimes there isn’t anything wrong with worrying about how he/she thinks of you. I still try my best to wear nice outfits for him and sometimes I love dressing up for him when it’s an important occasion. Just know that for the most part, being you is what people find attractive.

Love is about both sides accepting each other, imperfections and all. 

In recent years I have thought about my past boyfriends a lot. Without sounding weird or superficial though, usually when I think about them I can find a list of things I do like and do not like about them.

And that is when I know that those relationships were never meant to last.

You can ask me how I know that and the reason is simple: if you are truly in love, you shouldn’t be making that list to begin with.

Take my parents for example. My mother hates that my dad isn’t proactive and cannot organize anything for his life but I know she still loves him. She enjoys being with him, mostly because he is an amazing listener and really helps her relax.

But my aunt and uncle isn’t like that. My aunt seems to have a long list of why she doesn’t like my uncle. And it seems like it’s always growing. Hence their marriage problems.

My boyfriend and I are like my parents. We love each other no matter what. Do we drive each other crazy though? Absolutely, without a doubt. But even those I dislike some parts of him, I accept them. I know that they are a part of him that makes me love him so much. I accept it all, and he accepts all of me.

But I didn’t learn all this until I started dating my current boyfriend and we went past the 6 months mark. I know I have never had a relationship for longer than 3 months so when it went past 6 I had to ask myself why. And that was the reason I came up with. Of course, there are other factors as well but that was the biggest reason I came up with.

Love is about getting your heart broken into a million pieces. 

When I told my friend this she thought I was being mean.

But I wasn’t.

If you are one of those people under the impression that love is all fuzzy, warm, and full of cuddles, then you need to stop watching so many romantic movies. Because love isn’t all fuzzy and warm.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is. But there are times when the person you love can really hurt you, even if it was by accident.

I have been hurt by my boyfriend the most. He makes me cry a lot.

But he also makes me laugh a lot and for me, the times that he makes me happy outweighs the times he breaks my heart.

Let me tell you all another story.

I grew up with a self protection mechanism that I developed myself. I didn’t like getting hurt so when I saw something in the distance that could potentially hurt me, I gave it up.

That’s how I ended my very first relationship. I gave up. I didn’t want to get hurt so instead I hurt the other person. Same goes for every other relationship until this one. I gave up on them because I wanted to protect myself. But this one was different. I loved being with him so much that I was willing to let my heart getting broken into a million different pieces, healed, and then getting broken even more.

Love is a dream. You cannot control it. It’s unpredictable and can be broken in a second. But at the same time, love isn’t a dream as well. It’s real. It exists. You just have to know that love hurts, more than any other kind of emotion, love hurts the most.

Love is about growing together but also individually. 

Growth is a funny thing.

It happens without you knowing it and most of the time it is positive growth.

But don’t think of growth here as knowledge but as a person. You learn from love what you like and dislike. You learn what kind of a person you are.

As I have mentioned before, through love, I learned that I am not a nice person. I’m selfish and I want my man to only be mine.

I learned that I love heart felt letters more than a nice gift and that I have a tendency to be nosy and that I love daily communication. I also know that I get extremely pissed off at that time of the month. All of this I had to learn through love.

But I didn’t grow on my own. I grew with him too. We both learned that we prefer quiet company rather than going on dates. We prefer having sushi instead of a fancy meal and we prefer cuddling instead of going for walks.

Love is growth. You learn a lot from love and you will definitely grow from it.

I know I rambled a lot in this #RealTalk but all these things come from my heart and is what I learned from love.

Don’t forget to SM:)LE and L<3VE today!


∞ sofieyah ∞

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